Ok, so I kinda need to rant but I found out that I can’t actually publish these entries because of the stupid Nazis. Lol, that is what one of my friends nicknames Public Safety because they basically hunted me down because one of my friends back home called them. Idk if I have explained that or not. Basically I was ranting to one of my friends about that fact that I was supposed to die last weekend. It was Friday and I had planned on stopping my meds the next day and I was having a horrible day and basically I was just talking to a friend about it. The friend that I was talking to doesn’t care. She thinks that I should be able to kill myself if I want to. Actually she tends to encourage it. Obviously I am not dead yet, and she was making fun of me for it and keeps telling me to go kill myself everytime I rant about how horrible things are going. Basically another friend found the messages, called public safety and I had hell. But I no longer feel like writing so I am going to stop. I am probably going to paste messages from a conversation I am having because it goes into more detail of the huge internal conflict I am having right now.

[09:52 PM] Me: dammit I feel horrible

[09:52 PM] K: im sorry

[09:52 PM] K: the same thing?

[09:53 PM] Me: horribly depressed

[09:53 PM] Me: the stupid thing is, that now that I took meds, not taking them makes me worse then before

[09:54 PM] K: you could kill urself

[09:54 PM] Me: I should

[09:55 PM] Me: I don't know why I am supposed to see the shrink lady

[09:55 PM] Me: well they want me to go back

[09:55 PM] K: lol

[09:55 PM] Me: cuz I told the psychologist that there was absolutely no way that I am going to the hospital

[09:56 PM] Me: I think the shrink lady had to have known that when she gave me the referral

[09:56 PM] K: yeah

[09:56 PM] K: shes a dumbass

[09:56 PM] Me: she did it to wash her hands of me

[09:57 PM] Me: because if she gave me a referal, even though she had to know that there was no way I was going to do it, it takes away her liability

[09:57 PM] Me: cuz if she just stopped seeing me knowing that I was a danger and then I died, she could be held responcible for it

[09:58 PM] Me: the referal thing wasn't to help me cuz there is no way that it would ever happen... it was simply to protect them

[09:58 PM] K: yeah i know what you are talking about

[10:01 PM] Me: I told the psychologist that, and it was obvious that he didn't like the situation at all because I could obviously die very easily and pretty much expect to, but at least he respects me enough to not flip out and go tell authorities

[10:01 PM] Me: but I guess after I left he talked w/ the shrink lady, and so now she wants to talk to me for a few minutes... lol, maybe guilt :-P

[10:01 PM] K: lol

[10:01 PM] K: maybe

[10:02 PM] Me: well the counseling center here has done a good job of getting rid of any legal liability but maybe for some reason the shrink lady decided to care if I am dead or not... I know that the head of the counseling center couldn't care less but I think the shrink lady might care a little bit

[10:03 PM] K: maybe

[10:03 PM] K: lol

[10:03 PM] K: a little

[10:03 PM] Me: lol

[10:07 PM] K: lol

[10:08 PM] Me: Should I even try??

[10:08 PM] Me: that is my current predicament

[10:08 PM] K: even try what

[10:08 PM] Me: life

[10:08 PM] Me: well I am obviously not dead yet

[10:08 PM] K: i dunno, do you think that it will get better?

[10:09 PM] K: i mean, you have to have the confidence in yourself

[10:09 PM] Me: but things are going pretty badly and I don't think that I am going to be able to not be horribly depressed if I stay off the meds because my brain isn't going to adapt very well even long term

[10:09 PM] K: yeah

[10:09 PM] Me: I don't have confidnece... haven't for years

[10:09 PM] Me: but I mean... is it even worth it

[10:09 PM] Me: I thought I had a chance with the shrink lady

[10:09 PM] Me: that is why I was stupid and started to trust her

[10:10 PM] Me: she isn't that bad, it is the head of the counseling center that basically screwed me over and gave me the death sentence...

[10:10 PM] Me: for some reason I can't seem to completely overcome the stupid part of me that fights to live no matter how badly I want to die

[10:11 PM] Me: but I am to the point that even strangling myself does not cause me enough pain

[10:11 PM] Me: I figure I will just continue getting depressed and keep pushing it until I "accidentally" kill myself

[10:12 PM] K: lol

[10:12 PM] Me: I expected to die right away

[10:12 PM] Me: but it obviously didn't work out

[10:12 PM] Me: I didn't start feeling the mood part until like a week after being off the meds

[10:13 PM] Me: I think the physically sick stuff was me going through withdrawal but now that I no longer have any meds in my system I am left with the long term effects of having stopped

[10:13 PM] K: yeah

[10:13 PM] Me: as is, I am probably going to end up killing myself

[10:13 PM] Me: I don't really know when

[10:14 PM] Me: and it unfortunately didn't happen quickly

[10:14 PM] Me: but I can't survive like this

[10:14 PM] Me: so I am basically just waiting

[10:14 PM] K: yeah

[10:14 PM] K: thats about all you can do

[10:14 PM] Me: but I know what the outcome is going to be, even if I don't know when it is going ot happen

[10:14 PM] Me: the only way that I could possibly survive is by trying to go back

[10:15 PM] K: yeah

[10:15 PM] K: which you dont want to do

[10:15 PM] Me: not really

[10:15 PM] Me: idk

[10:16 PM] Me: it doesn't seem worth it

[10:16 PM] Me: for a while I thought that maybe I had a chance, but now it seems impossible

[10:17 PM] Me: idk what I want right now

[10:17 PM] Me: but I know that if I don't do something then I am going to die

[10:17 PM] Me: and in a way I don't care... I am not scared of death and I accepted a long time ago that my life would probably end by my own hands

[10:18 PM] K: well

[10:18 PM] K: you have to do what you feel you can handle

[10:18 PM] K: and what is worth doing

[10:19 PM] K: im not going to tell you to live or to die because its really none of my business and to try to tell someone what they should do is selfish

[10:19 PM] Me: yah, I hate ppl that do that

[10:19 PM] K: but you have to figure out whether you have a plan for yourself as far as if you do live, as in, is there a point to live

[10:20 PM] Me: I mean, in a way I want to live... I want to have that happily ever after (I know that's a bit extreme but you know what I mean)

[10:20 PM] Me: I mean, I am an engineer, I am applying to go work for Microsoft, I have the grades, I am intelligent enough... outwardly it seems like I could so easily be successful and have things work out

[10:21 PM] K: yeah

[10:21 PM] K: but you need the confidence

[10:22 PM] K: and you have to want it

[10:23 PM] Me: I guess it is more of the idea that idk if death is what I really want

[10:24 PM] Me: I mean, I don't necessarily want death, I have basically just accepted it because I can't see any other options for my life (and that crap about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary probably is complete BS because my hell is anything but temporary)

[10:25 PM] Me: I probably could survive if I really fought for it... I have been through more hell in my life than most people can even begin to imagine... but idk if it is worth it

[10:27 PM] K: well, i dont know really what to tell you. im not going to steer you in one direction or another. you have to figure not just career wise, but family wise. family is often a persons greatest achievement. just think about what could be if you really wanted it.

[10:28 PM] Me: I know...

Lol, so yah. That is basically what is going through my head right now. I obviously got rid of my friend’s name because I don’t want stupid ppl to get all pissed at her for not conforming to their opinion of helping me. I really don’t know what I am going to do at the moment. I am supposed to see the shrink lady sometime this week. She will probably e-mail me sometime tomorrow with when. I figure I have until then to figure out if I am going to live or die. Lol, no pressure or anything. If I can’t seem to figure out I will just go to the shrink lady and see what happens tho I am hoping to know what I am doing before hand because that will determine how I react to her. If I can’t figure it out, which is totally possible, then I think I am going to go in there and basically be really blunt. I want to ask her what she thinks. I want to know what is going on and how much of the hell that has happened she had control of. At that point it pretty much won’t matter. Basically I can go in there and will probably sabotage myself with the rare chance things go ok. Lol. I seem to do this a lot. Tho unfortunately the doing everything possible wrong w/ stopping the meds didn’t work out as planned. Whatever. I anticipated to start feeling the depression and stuff far sooner. Instead I just got really physically sick. Now I am like done with the withdrawal though so I am just left with the horrible depression. I figure if worse comes to worse and I will go to the shrink lady and nothing will happen and then I will simply return to waiting to die. Well, I guess the absolute worse would be her flipping out and calling authorities or trying to put me in the hospital. Luckily she doesn’t seem to be the type to do that but I guess I should always be prepared for the worse. I could pretty much just lie my way out of it though. I am an adult now and I have managed to lie my way out of far worse situations when I was a minor. *sigh* I guess I feel slightly less stressed now that I sorta have a plan. Even though it is a pretty crappy one. Lol. Whatever. My life doesn’t have neat organized plans. Things don’t just all work out in the end.